Weighing in on the Tiger Mother
I admit, I’m a bit late on this band wagon, but a lot of people have asked me about my thoughts on Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. I haven’t read it, but I’m going to share my own thoughts based on what I’ve read in the news and what I’ve seen on tv.
In case you didn’t know, I am Chinese-American. This is why many people have tried to discuss this book with me whether on facebook, twitter, email or in person.
This post is not to defend or put down Chua’s book. I’m really just writing to share my thoughts on being a “Tiger Mother” myself.
The first question I really should answer is “Am I a Tiger Mother?”
To this question, I have to say that I am and I’m not. How PC of me, I know. But the reality is this. I do consider myself a Tiger Mother, but at the same time, I don’t think I’m that all strict. Over the last 20 years I’ve helped raise my cousins who are now either in high school or college. The relationship I have with them is that of mom and sister. Their parents come to me when they feel they need help talking to their kids and my cousins come to me when they need someone to talk to or ask advice about school and other things. Knowing this, I can safely say that while they know I have certain expectations of them they also feel they can come to me whenever they need. Which I think makes me more of a “Tigan” Mother.
What is a “Tigan Mother”?
It’s a term I just made up by myself sitting here as I’m writing this post. A Tiger Mother + American Mother = Tigan Mother. I believe I must use both Chinese and American ways to raise my child(ren). I will not be fully one or the other. I will always be in between … a combination. I don’t believe in being overly strict, and I don’t believe in being completely liberal. I think children do need some basic boundaries in life, but they also need room to spread their wings and grow into their own. You won’t see me force my child to sit in front of their piano practicing until their fingers fall off, but you won’t see me buying wine coolers for them and their friends to drink when they’re visiting.
What makes me so sure that my way is the best way?
Nothing. I’m not saying my way is the best way. I’m saying this is how I feel I want to raise my children. I don’t want anyone thinking they have to teach and raise their children they way I’m going to do it. Let’s face it, every child is different. Each child has their own personality. They each have their own way of learning. I can say I’ll raise my children “this way”, but in reality I know I have to be flexible. I’m not going to be strict on one and lenient on the other. I’m simply going to see how each of my children best learn and how receptive they are to certain things. One child might love sports and hate music while the other might be just the opposite. I believe I have to keep these things in mind because every child is unique.
Was I raised by a Tiger Mother?
Yes and no. While I was not allowed to attend sleepovers, I also wasn’t forced to do anything I didn’t otherwise enjoy. My mother was pretty open to letting me try things I wanted to try. I didn’t really have a choice in whether I wanted to attend Chinese school every summer, but I can’t say I didn’t enjoy being there and getting to play with my friends every day. One year I begged my mom to let me buy a violin to play at school with the String Ensemble. She bought me a violin and I think I played for six months. My mother wanted to raise us traditionally, but also as Americans. She wanted us to have a strong sense of where we came from and give us the means to build a successful feature in the country we are part of. This reflects in my full name as well. English name with Chinese middle name, which I also did for my Lil Man because he too is Chinese-American. I’d say my mother was successful.
How will I raise my children?
As I mentioned earlier, I’ve chosen to raise my children via my happy medium. Like my mom, I want them to learn about our Chinese traditions. I want them to know where their ancestors came from and our history. I want them to learn the Chinese language because I think it will benefit their future to be multilingual. In fact, while I teach my son his A-B-Cs I’m also speak to him in Chinese. When we read we read in English and Chinese. We count to him in English and Chinese. And in our household we speak several different Chinese dialects, so the Lil Man is actually learning several different languages at the same time. You’re probably wondering whether this would confuse him. I’m not concerned. After all, I spoke three languages – none of them English – before I even began Kindergarten, and I can say with confidence that my English is pretty darn good and I carry on a decent conversation in at least two different Chinese dialects. My brother speaks more dialects than I do and his English is awesome. And no – neither of us have accents when we speak in English or Chinese.
On the American side, we’d like our children to experience different aspects of childhood aside from musical instruments. We’d like to give them the opportunity to play in team sports, go on playdates, watch Broadway, go to museums … the works. The Lil Man is currently enrolled in swimming and so far so good. When he’s ready, we might enroll him in soccer or baseball or lacrosse or karate, but ultimately, it’s up to him which sport he wants to participate in. But, extracurricular activities aside, we want to instill in him that education is important and they come before all the extras.
What does this boil down to?
I think everyone views parenting differently and raises their children the way they think is best. Who are we to really judge another person on the way they do it. My basic opinion is this – raise your children with their future and well-being in mind. Remember that how you raise them now will certainly affect how they develop, the type of people they grow to become, how they interact with others, and ultimately, how they will raise their own children in the future. After all is said and done, you want your child to be grateful for the way you raised them and not loathe you or blame you for all their shortcomings.
Note: Yes, the way I want to raise my children is the way my husband also wants to raise our children. We’ve discussed how we want to raise our children for many years now and I’m happy to say that we’ve always had the same family values and mentality in raising children.
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